CHAPTER EIGHT:

Tina shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She and Bette were sitting in her lounge room in the middle of an intense conversation. Somehow Tina had lost control of the words that were being spoken and Bette had steered it them all in the direction of serious-land.
Tina, I have been completely lost without you the past 6 months. You have to know that. Tina was discreetly tugging at the hem of her pants nervously. The gesture was not lost on Bette.
Okay. Was all she responded. Bette sighed and shifted closer towards Tina in her seat. She was now sitting right on the edge of the crisp white linen chair.
Tina, please talk to me. I feel like Ive pored my heart out for hours now and you keep giving me these one word answers. Tina shrugged and slumped back in her seat.
Well what do you want me to say Bette? She asked dubiously, I mean, I havent seen you in 6 months and then you come here and within an hour youre getting all intense on me.
I want you to tell me how you feel about me? I want to know what I can do to fix things. Bette said earnestly. Tina paused, trying to find a way to answer the question without looking like she was blowing Bette off.
I dont know. Tina said. Bette sighed and put her head in her hands.
Tina She said heavily.
Bette Tina said back at her. Finally Tina leaned forward and put her hand on Bettes knee. Look Bette, Tina said sighing, Im not exactly sure how I feel about you, about us. Tina felt bad but added, If there even is an us. Bette bit her thumb nail hard.
Come on, Tina said taking her hand, dont do that. You only do that when youre really upset about something. Bette lifted her head,
And what could I possibly be upset about right now? Tina bit her lip and took her hand from Bettes knee but Bette reached out and took her hand in her own. Tina please, tell me what I can do. Ill do anything. Tina could tell Bette was feeling desperate and part of her wanted to reach out and kiss her and tell her that everything was going to be okay and that she loved her and still wanted to be with her. But another part of her couldnt shake what Bette had become in the last year of their relationship. Selfish, self-absorbed, unsupportive, adulterer, cheater, liar. The list went on.
Bette, Tina said coldly, you had an affair. You had an affair while I was still recovering from the miscarriage of our son. You were sleeping with someone else while you asked me to try again to get pregnant. YOU had an affair. YOU threw everything away. Tina didnt raise her voice once but her eyes had clouded over and Bette had a feeling that if pushed even a fraction are more, Tina would exploded: either in tears in a flying rage.
Tina, Bette said begging with her eyes, Im sorry, Im so sorry. Please dont let one mistake throw away 7 years of love. Tina shook her head.
It wasnt just one mistake Bette. You dont get it do you? Tina pulled her hand away and stood up, As much as it hurt that you had an affair, that wasnt the reason why I left. That just re-affirmed everything else. Tina took a deep breath,
Bette, you were always self-centred and demanding. It was part of your charm. Almost. Tina moved toward the couch and sat back down – three feet from where Bette was. But slowly, and Im not even sure when, you started developing your own world. What had once been about us became all about you and your career and your goals and your desires and when you wanted it and how you wanted it and what was good for you. Not us, but you. Bette shook her head.
Tina thats not fair. That is not what happened. Tina shrugged,
Maybe thats not how you saw it but it is how I saw it. Bette sighed,
So thats it? You just get to make a statement like that I cant refute it in anyway. Bette could feel herself getting angry.
You can refute it anyway you want. Tina said standing up, But I dont have to sit here and listen to it.
Tina went to walk out of the room but Bette stood in her way.
Tina please, Im sorry, I just want to talk. Tina took a step backwards and threw her hands in the air,
ABOUT WHAT? She yelled, Weve been talking for hours now Bette! Hours! And all this talking and youve said NOTHING! Bette was taken aback, what Tina had said confused her. Here she was trying to be open and honest and Tina was dismissing it all.
Tina shook her head trying to stay composed. She took a deep breath.
Bette, she said exhaling, I invited you here because I didnt want us to do this in the phone. Whatever this turned out to be. Tina signed, But never in a million years would I have thought this is what you would do. Bette shook her head upset,
Im telling you the truth. Why dont you believe me? Tina squinted her eyes,
You think I dont believe you?
Well isnt that what youre saying? Bette yelled, her voice on edge.
Bette, Tina said calmly, I believe everything you have just said. Every word of it. Bette sighed and ran her hands through her hair,
Then what? Whats the problem? Tina took a minute and stepped towards Bette.
Bette, we were together for seven years. Seven years and you dont think I already know youre sorry? I knew you were sorry before you did. I already know all of the things that you have just preached to me. Youre sorry, youre hurting, you miss me, youll do anything, you need me. Bla bla bla. Bettes eyes washed over with pain. All of her confessions, from the deepest part of her heat were being rejected with one wipe of Tinas hand.
But I dont care. Tina continued, If I cared about any of those things I would have stayed in L.A. and worked things out. I hate to tell you this darling but I dont care that youre sorry and I dont care that youre hurting and I dont care that you miss me. You made your bed, you lie in it. Bette could feel the rage swelling in the pit of her stomach. She was seeing red. Tina was never going to forgive her, she knew it deep down inside, so why had she come here to Italy?
Then why did you ask me to come here? Bette hissed, And dont give me some bullshit response like you didnt and by giving me your address it was some balls in her court clich. Tina sighed, Bette had her there.
I invited you here because I thought you might actually have something interesting to say. Tina said, Something outside the box, god, and youre accusing me of using clichs. Have you heard any of what you have just said? Bette shook her head angrily.
Clich or not, everything I just told you was true. God Tina, you do this every time we have a fight. Tina shook her head disbelievingly,
Do what?
Every time we have a fight about something semi-serious you run away. You run away and get inside your head and work out someway to turn it all into being about me and my faults until I come and find you and talk you down. Tina laughed incredulously,
Talk me down from what Bette? In case you havent noticed, Im doing quite well over here without you. Bette nodded,
Sure, I bet you are. Let me guess: few girls on the side, maybe even a guy or two just because you can. Drinking and partying every second night. You always did have a penchant for party drugs too as I recall. Not letting anyone get close. Tell me Tina, do any of your friends here even know about me? Know about your life in L.A.? Tina balled her fists in silent rage, Probably not, Bette continued, because you dont want anyone to know that beneath the confident, *****, intelligent, loveable woman is someone who has baggage, someone who has been hurt and doesnt want to deal with it.
GOOD GOD! Tina hollered, Bette, you need to wake up! You do not define every part of my life. Yes, Tina said throwing her arms up, youre right about the majority of it. I have slept with various people since I got here, men and women. Yes, I have been drinking and going out. Yes I have been dabbling. But thats just me! Tina said it like it was a confession.
Going out and sleeping with other people is actually not that uncommon for 31 year olds. Actually we do it all the time. And yes, we drink and we even take drugs from time to time. And even IF no one here knew about you, do you really think its because I dont want them to know I have baggage for ***** sake? Tina yelled,
For crying out loud, they dont even know there is a Bette Porter! And they dont care! I dont talk about you with Emilio or Ryan or Oliver or Pene` or Claire or anyone because I dont want to. I dont want to talk about you. Bette looked crushed,
Fine. Bette said and turned toward the couch picking up her bag. She slung it over her shoulder and headed towards the door. Tina knew if she didnt say something now it was a good as over. She knew that if Bette left, she would never come back and Tina would never go after here.
Now whos running away. Tina yelled after her. Bette stopped and paused. Finally she turned around.
You dont want me in your life Tina. You pretty much said it. Bette was crying, Tina either hadnt noticed before hand or it had been in the time that she had picked up her bag and headed towards the staircase. If I thought I could fix it or repair it somehow. Even just make it better I would. But obviously thats not going to happen. Tina hugged herself trying to work out how it had gone from pleasantries to this in the matter of 2 hours. But wasnt that how it always happened. Bette waited and waited but Tina didnt say anything. Finally she turned and walked towards the staircase.
My MAC eyeliner. Tina said. Bette stopped dead, she couldnt be serious. She should toss her ***** eyeliner at her head. Here Tina was breaking her heart and all she could do was ask for her stupid eyeliner. Bette turned around and faced Tina. Tina stared at her intensely and put her hand out. Bette wiped at her tears with one hand and riffled through the front pocket of her Louis Vuitton bag. She pulled out the MAC package and went the throw it on the couch.
No! Tina yelled out. Bette stopped and looked at her. Come give it to me. Tina said. Bette paused and walked towards her slowly. She dropped the package into Tinas hand but Tina took a hold of her fingers.
You know there is this Placebo song that Jess always mixes at the club. Tina said. Great, thought Bette, now shes going to tell me about her clubbing habits. Do you know who Placebo are? Tina asked,
Yes. Bette breathed through clenched teeth. Tina cocked an eyebrow suspiciously, Every You Every Me. It was on the Cruel Intentions soundtrack. Bette said. Tina smiled wryly.
Well anyway, she continued still holding Bettes hand. Jess always mixes it up and there is a part in it that always made me think of you and when we fight. Bette looked on solidly awaiting the end of Tinas story. Finally Tina said, Hold your breath and count to ten then fall apart and start again. At first Bette dismissed the lyrics as something Tina had thought up when she was high in a club dancing somewhere. But the look in Tinas eye made her repeat the lyrics over in her head. Hold your breath and count to ten then fall apart and start again. Bette realised this was Tinas way of apologising.
Are you trying to say youre sorry? Bette asked. Tina shook her head,
No. She paused and then went on. Im trying to tell you that maybe its better take a deep breath and start over rather than walk out. Bette bit her tongue and didnt curse Tina on the irony of her statement. A moment passed between them. After a while Bette said,
Can I make this better? She asked openly. Tina sighed and lowered her head. She didnt want Bette to leave but she didnt want to lie to her either. Tina can I? Bette asked almost pleadingly. Tina lifted her head and looked at Bette.
We have to. She said softly. We have to, or else what was it all for?