So, there’s this girl.

That’s how it always starts, though.

That’s why two of my former girlfriends have teasingly called me Shane.  They later found out it was pretty accurate.

I’m not a player.  I don’t cheat.  But I’m terrified to fall in love.  I’m not afraid to love; in fact, it’s easy for me to love someone and it doesn’t take much.  But it’s the falling in that’s scary.  It’s the falling in that makes me run.

I’ve only fallen in once.  And he wasn’t a girl.  But, I don’t want to talk about him.  The story’s not as interesting as you might think, anyways.

But this girl…god, this girl could be an epic.  This girl could be my last girl.

Yeah, I know, I know.  Shane said that with Carmen, and look where they ended up.  And, yeah, I’m only seventeen.  But I know love when I feel it.  And I know what being in love is like.

And being in love with her is way different than being in love with him.  Thank God. 

It started with a few innocent looks, a few sly smiles, and a hell of a lot of flirting.  It worked because when I kissed her first, she kissed me back.  And she was soon the one initiating the kissing.  And the touching.  And the hand-holding in public.  Then the kissing in public.  And then the hand-holding, touching, and kissing behind closed doors.  And under the blankets.  For hours on end.

She was the girl I drove 30 minutes for across town just to buy her a grilled chicken wrap from a tiny café we ate at one random Saturday.  I let her pin me down on her living room couch for an entire three day weekend to watch seasons one and two of Veronica Mars just so we could watch season three together.  She got me watching Survivor and trekking my ass through the woods every other week.  I’ve become content with cuddling instead of partying, although she does let me drag her out for dancing once a month.  Sometimes twice.

I made that stupid Rihanna chorus of “ ‘ella, ‘ella, ‘ey, ‘ey, ‘ey” my ringtone just because she loved to get it stuck in my head.  I wrote stupid poetry for away messages and set up a mini golf course in the backyard for our six month anniversary (she kicked my ass; had a lot of practice back in Ohio, I guess).  I learned how to cook with tofu and how to not burn fondue.  I did it all just because I knew it would make her happy.  And because it would make me happy, too.

And she forgave me when I had a temporary lapse in judgment during Prom.  When I flipped out at her after she basically accused me of not loving her.  Of course I love her.  Only her.  I swear it.  Why else would I be so damn terrified?  Why else would I scream at her in front of dozens of people, trying to protect my reputation as a commitment-phobe?

Why would I beg her to stay with me while my sister was in surgery?  Why would I ask Aiden to leave, knowing it was the only way she wouldn’t?  I chose her over my best friend.  Sometimes, I wonder why both of them stayed.

So, she’s got me doing all these crazy, totally-not-me things.  She’s got me saying things I swore I never would, going places I never knew existed, and thinking things I thought I never would again. 

But now I’m standing in this doorway, watching her kiss another girl, and everything I thought I felt, everything I thought I believed about her and I and us, just…shattered…