I reached for another Bud, expertly popping it open with a seasoned flick of the wrist, as Tobin stretched out his legs and, leaning on one palm, blew a plume of smoke into the nights 3AM atmosphere.

“Spencer?”

“Hmm?”

“You and I—we smoke together a lot, right?”

“Uh huh.”

“And, I mean, we’re good friends, we’re—“

“the best, Tobin. You’re my best.”

“Then why won’t you tell me about Ashley?”

“Tob—“

“Is it cause you’re gay? Cause, I told you, I’m totally chill with that whole lifestyle. My brother? Aiden? BIG homo. Huge. Flaming. So, you know…it’s cool. I’m really cool.”

Tobin really is the gem of Massuchusetts. As he passed me the joint, fingers cold and numb from an earlier draft, I really looked at him, really let our bloodshot, tired eyes meet. His black hair curled and twisted out from under his baseball cap in tight locks, attracting to his face in some places and repelling from it in others. He was a big kid, 6’1, his rough exterior only matched by his soft demeanor, his quiet recklessness and the boyish trust he wore on his sleeve. His eyes gave him away. They were blue, like fire, but also blue like ice. It was disconcerting to everyone but me.

I avoided questions like these—the ones that always led back to my past if they didn’t plop me right in front it. I knew that once I started, if I ever did, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I’d have to keep going, I’d have to keep spilling and spilling, till it was all out, till I was back at empty and there was nothing more to tell. I knew if I told, it would be real—Everything would be: The drugs, the alcohol, the kisses in the dark, the dancing in the rain. The child that, at eighteen, we called our own.

As Tobin pulled two flasks out of his messenger and tossed me one through the dark, I took one unsteady sip of its contents well aware that it was now or never and our story, mine and Ashleys, had to be told.

“Hours.”

“What?”

“It’ll take hours.”

And just like that, he reclined the rest of the way down, only feet away from me on that cold infested gravel. I only hoped he wouldn’t try to rub my back when I cried.